To My Daughter, R, on Her First Birthday

I'm sorry, Sweetheart, that today wasn't a very exciting day. We hung out in the cold garage this morning while a nice man fixed the windshield on Daddy's car. You had potato, mushrooms, and turkey for lunch. I switched two of your bottles today with a sippy cup of cold milk; you were less than pleased with this change. You practiced standing with me and played with your new toys until dinnertime, when you ate yellow rice, chickpeas, and broccoli. Daddy came home, and we sang "Happy Birthday" to you, then we all enjoyed carrot cupcakes together. We went to the gym for a bit, then you finished off the evening watching "Winnie the Pooh." Right now, as I type away on the computer, you are upstairs sleeping fitfully due to the three top teeth that are pushing their way through your gums (you have two bottom teeth already). And that, my dear girl, was your first birthday.

Don't get me wrong, though, we partied hard on Sunday. You were surrounded by friends. You had fun playing with little people just your size, and you received many presents. You dug right into your first cupcake ever.





This is all such a change from your first day in the world last year. And that's the beautiful thing about growing up: everything changes. You were such a tiny, little girl, with a look of eternal peace on your face when I first saw you in the NICU. And even though you were in the hospital for the first twenty days of your life on the outside, I never once thought you were frail. You were small, and fragile, and tired from all of the growing you still had to do, but I saw so much strength in you. You did grow, and you learned everything you needed to know to thrive outside of the hospital. A whole year has passed now and you continue to grow stronger every day. You are incredibly smart and beautiful and just the sweetest baby I could ever hope to call my own. If I can do nothing else in the world, I hope to raise you to be a strong woman who seeks out what she wants, gives to those who don't have, and questions everything. Please continue to grow.

I love you.
Mom <3

11 mos... almost a year

The changes are coming fast now. (Haven't I said that before?)

We are so close to R's first birthday, and she is picking up the pace to catch up with other one-year-olds. She can go from crawling to sitting back to crawling again. She can get up on her knees. She can pull herself to standing when she's in her crib demanding attention. She asks for things that she wants, like snacks or to be held standing up. Tonight she surprised both Senpai and I by crawling over to the tv and yelling at us. We talked to her, "What's wrong, Sweetie? You're okay, you don't need to yell." She kept at it until I picked her up. From her new viewpoint in my arms she could see the "Winnie the Pooh" dvd case on the tv stand, and she started wiggling excitedly. I laughed at Senpai, "I know exactly what she wants!"

We set her up with a pillow and her Pooh and Tigger dolls, and just watch what happened:



As I was recording with my point'n'shoot camera (sorry for the sad digital quality), I couldn't stop myself from giggling. I looked up to see Senpai's reaction, and he was having just as hard a time keeping himself together. Even after I stopped the camera, we couldn't pull ourselves away from watching her get into the movie. I'm trying to think of why this is special to us. I mean, she's reacting to her favorite movie, whoop-de-doo. But... she asked for it. And look at how happy she is that she got it! (Uh oh, we're in trouble.)

She is proving every day to be more and more of her own person. The parenting book I'm reading states that, "You are responsible to your kids, but you don't own them. They own themselves." Thank you, R, for showing me the pure beauty of you.

For The Next Kid

Throughout R's babyhood we've been buying her things that would also work "for the next kid."

"Cloth diapers and wipes are great! We can also use them for the next kid."

"Let's get this [insert random baby item] in gender neutral colors, so we can also use it for the next kid."

"We'll pack up R's old clothes in storage, just in case the next kid is a girl."


And that's how we've been going all along, planning ahead and saving every little baby item that R no longer uses, because our next baby might need it. Except lately we've been thinking there won't be a next baby. The desire to give her a sibling comes and goes, but more often than not, I return to the thought, "She'll be okay as an only child." Still I continue to squirrel away R's leftovers, not knowing what else to do with them, and not entirely sure that we won't need them again.

The prospective sibling has already been named (our girl name also happens to share the name of a new perfume, so I think of a baby girl every time I smell the ad in a magazine), and that may be where I'm having trouble letting go. I've already imagined the two of them together, getting into squabbles, trying my patience, but also playing with and loving on each other.

She'll be okay as an only child... right?


Her best friend.

Health concerns most certainly warn me to not risk another pregnancy. And after some tough times with R, I've had doubts about how "good" of a mother I could be to two children. In motherhood I am realizing that throwing tantrums won't cut it anymore, not if I want to remain cool and teach my child how to properly manage her anger. After an extremely stressful morning last week where Senpai ended up going to work three hours late because I had a meltdown and needed him to take over trying to get R back to sleep, I felt an intense desire to get help managing my anger. I found it yesterday in the form of a parenting book that I have thoroughly underlined and will most likely finish tonight. I'm still growing as a parent, that much is for certain, but the growth comes because the stressors are there. If your kids don't test you, who will? So it's hypothetical that maybe, just maybe (with lots more books), I might be able to effectively parent two. It's a theory, at least.

Will we have another? I don't know. Like I said, the feeling comes and goes, ebbs and flows with my hormones, the full moon, the tide, seeing other mothers with two children, seeing siblings relate to one another, and then seeing R sitting by herself, playing quietly with her toys.

My heart is thumping with the possibility. My head holds it in check. Who knows what the end result will be.

The Difference Between "Awake" and "Upset"

I am learning the difference between "awake" and "upset."

Before October, when just R, Senpai, and I lived in our house, R slept through the night. She was in her own room, sleeping peacefully in her own space. Of course, her room was over the kitchen, so in this old house where noise travels easily, a dish or pan lid clattering too loudly from Mommy and Daddy making dinner below would cause her to start crying, and then Mommy or Daddy would be bolting up the stairs to help her find her pacifier. It wasn't a perfect sleep. There were many "pacifier interventions" as we call them, but she seemed to have outgrown needing a bottle and diaper change in order to fall back to sleep.

Then the in-laws moved into her room. R's crib was hauled over to Mommy and Daddy's room. She didn't sleep through the night anymore. From October to the end of February, even after she had been moved out of Mommy and Daddy's room and into the brand new bedroom that had been built just for her over the dining room (nothing happens in there, lol), she would need at least one bottle in the middle of the night, sometimes even two.



Her pediatrician had been telling me all along that nutritionally she did not need those extra bottle-feedings, that she needed to learn how to self-soothe. I really did believe her, but when R woke up screaming at midnight... 2 am... 5 am... a bottle was the only thing that would calm her down and get her back to sleep. And I (frazzled, depressed, at the end of my rope) desperately needed her to sleep. The nighttime feedings continued on and on, until our extended guests eventually moved out.

The house is quieter with them gone. Senpai and I are much calmer (and happier!), and it seems like R can finally relax enough to stay out for the entire night. The change happened almost immediately. Senpai's parents left Saturday, and Sunday through Tuesday nights were completely uninterrupted. Then I got cocky and wrote a facebook status update about R sleeping through the entire night, so, of course, she woke up Wednesday night. But last night, I noticed something. Yes, she woke up, but she wasn't upset. She burbled and made some, "Hey, where is everyone?" type chirps, but she wasn't crying. I let her be. I knew if she saw me she would start crying for a bottle, so I just laid in bed next to Senpai and waited, listening to the monitor, to see what she would do. She didn't cry. The chirps and burbles continued for almost an hour, and then she drifted back to sleep. It was beautiful. I didn't have to do anything. The difference between "awake" and "upset" is everything.